I have decided to restart my blog as I’m currently not in the process of writing any books (am yet to return to the sequel of Tetepare, Diego Garcia) and I miss the process of writing.
I’ve chosen this song because, as a long standing fan of Taylor Swift, I listened to her new album ‘The Tortured Poets Department’ in whole - and this song resonated the most with me. While other songs on the double album make many references to chaos and madness, psychiatric wards, and of course ‘tortured poetry,’ this was the one I connected to the most.
I was beyond excited to hear the new album as somewhat of a tortured soul/ fan of writing and poetry, it sounded like my cup of tea. I wasn’t disappointed at all, and despite some bad reviews (for this song as well) I care to disagree.
The title of this song in particular possibly references a film/ play by Edward Albee “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?” which explores the complexities of a failing marriage.
Swift had a very public breakdown with Joe Alwyn, and has made no secret in the past of how deeply her romantic relationships and their demise affects her.
The song begins talking about people making judgements / attacks on her. She then states “you don’t get to tell me about sad.”
The lyrics from the song I related to most with relevance for this blog entry are: “I was tame I was gentle ’til the circus life made me mean /“don’t you worry folks we took out all her teeth”/ Who’s afraid of little old me ? “
While the following line has been criticised I think it is a necessary inclusion: “Well, you should be.”
While initially, a slim blonde female singer songwriter may not seem like an intimidating opponent ( making the line appear false or laughable as some critics have suggested,) I think it is a reference to her power, intelligence and strength.
when my issues with mental illness began I was so young, at the ages of 12-13. Beforehand I was, some would say, tame and gentle. A decade later, during my psychiatric ward stays I felt that the world and society had changed me deeply, making me a far cry from the girl I used to be. The one in the photo i took to the hospital, of me as a child wearing a hello kitty dress and bunches. I didn’t recognise or remember being her. She was cute sure, and I on the other hand had been locked up for my own safety and the safety of others.
I was writing Paper Doll at the time and I kept mentioning how little of a danger I was to others. Scared that I would be judged heavily for my latest diagnosis. Psychosis sounded scary, it had psycho in it, and i worried people would take that and run.
As time went on they would change my diagnosis to schizophrenia. By this time, numb from medication, I would be unaffected but a little confused. This hadn’t been mentioned before and sounded much more long term than psychosis. The truth is that until I’m trialled off of my medication we won’t know the severity or length of my mental illness.
‘I can do it with a broken heart’ is another song I related to from the album, as I feel that I have lived a lot of my life with a tear through my heart. For various reasons, the loss of loved ones, friendships, and self. Although I cannot relate to the performative “lights, camera, bitch, smile” Mine was more “Hide, freeze, retreat, cry.”
I can however relate to that feeling of pressure to pull it together, especially at a young age, and hide behind a mask.
Another line I loved in who’s afraid of little old me was ofc:
“I wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me/ you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.”
Pretty self explanatory, I felt that my adolescence had been fraught with mental illness largely due to societal pressures and my mortal enemy ’The Patriarchy.’
I also felt scared and feral, and lost and frightened and frightening.
Did I want people to be scared of me? No. Yet in my book I tried to take on a harsher tone than comes naturally to me, using phrases like ‘bite me’ more often than I should have. Which would be never.
To conclude, Taylor Swift is a very good songwriter and all the critics are wrong.
My mum wasn’t entirely happy about the theme of the album largely referring to asylums and lobotomies and the theme of mental illness, which she saw as capitalising on something that would have been traumatic to some people. I however think artistic license is allowed, Taylor has obviously suffered deeply, and find I find the album relatable and empowering.
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