Who loves you - Frankie Valli & The four seasons

A big part of my issues stems from the fact that I decided as a child my family would love me no matter what, the world would not. I thought I had to be pretty, slim and quiet for the outside world and especially boys and later men to love me

You have to remember who loves you

Baby was born as a escape, defence mechanism, false identity, alter ego To protect me against other peoples opinions

I had proof that people preferred her, the reception when I went back after my summer makeover was much more positive than it had once been from my peers

Nothing at home chanced until the anorexia was in full swing, they still loved me obviously, but there was tension, arguments and a lot of suffering for everyone involved

The people who loved me most, were almost being punished for loving me too much, I thought their love would never change, I had to focus on impressing the people who I needed to impress

The anorexia involved four years worth of starvation from twelve to sixteen, I lost the weight, and lost my periods in the process

I was hungry and tired, could never concentrate at school, and developed social anxiety too I had no idea that I might have an identity disorder, I thought I just was adapting my appearance and personality to fit in

It spiralled over the years, and I finally identified what had happened when I was in recovery from psychosis.

I named her Baby on the psychiatric ward, to finally separate me from her

That nameless girl who ruled my life

Who never let me eat, sleep, breathe

“We must kill the false woman who is preventing the live one from breathing” - Helene Cixous, The laugh of the Medusa

You might think trying to fit in is harmless and natural, but you have to be yourself, I know from experience how damaging pretending to be someone you’re not can be