I'm starting a new project, that I'm unsure what to do with at the moment. I would LOVE to make 'letters to me' into a documentary but as I am so inexperienced in that world and don't have the funding it is a far reaching idea currently. So, for now, I will post them into blog posts. I will be writing six letters to my ten, thirteen, eighteen, twenty one, twenty four, and twenty seven year old self. I'll probably do three blog posts on this as I wrote ten and thirteen today. Once I get an idea into my head it becomes all I think about/ want to do or work on. Some would say obsessive, others productive and creative. So heres letter to me aged ten:
"I struggle to remember you at this age to be quite frank, baby Caitlin. I blocked out most of the memories where you were 1. unattractive 2. overweight and 3. happy.
to me, initially, those were the bad years. The ones where I was mortifyingly unaware of the way I was perceived.
As I got older I would realise that that unawareness had been a luxury I would never be afforded again.
By the time you reach twelve you’ll have lost this ability to be yourself, unashamedly, to revel in it. Enjoy it while you can.
I wish I could tell you to fight back, but unfortunately I believe in chips falling as they may, the wind taking things away, and fate.
This was yours, ours, and you can’t always fight the things bigger than you.
Not when the enemy is within and outside, and everywhere you turn.
By thirteen you’ll be so skinny, so tired and so lost you won’t remember this freedom. Playing a game in a resort pool with your family in a swimming costume, sparing not a single thought to how you look.
Instead every thought will be about how you look.
But my next letter will be to your thirteen year old self; this ones for you.
The girl who stood on a stage and sang a song she’d written for an audience. At 27, you are still the only one of us to do that.
Here’s to you, the girl who loved pink, fairies and was so loved by her family she survived all that was to come.
Of all the versions of me dead and buried over the years, you are one of my favourites, the underdog. From the past self I could barely bring myself to glance back at, to my carefree angel.
From this day forth I will remember you fondly as the girl before the storm, wide smile, curly hair, make up free face
We had a good run, didn’t we?
My advice? Brace yourself, it’s not always going to be fairytales and rom coms, and your pink safe haven bedroom. It can’t always be this way. I’m telling you this so you can prepare. I’m telling you this in the pretence things wills be different. But they won’t.
I know how this story goes already, but we always hope we can change the ending when it goes wrong.
However not all is lost, you are still tucked within the chambers of my heart, and that, is a victory."
and thirteen:
letter to me aged 13:
"You have no idea what you’re doing, what a mess you’re creating around you, I sympathise, of course I do, we’re the same person.
You’re underwater and drowning and terrified while at it, but you’re taking everyone down with you as you go.
Thirteen was not our finest hour. You became numb, and you became cruel. There is a ruthlessness to you, to us, that had never existed before.
You’re dropping friends like it’s nothing, hurting yourself and others, and you won’t feel the ache until a decade has passed, in fact you store all of the feelings for a later date. There is no time for that now is there? there is a war to be fought and a battle to win and at the moment darling you’re losing badly.
You don’t even want to win at the point.
The enemy introduced themself a year ago, and since then has manipulated every move you’ve made. But to you, they’re a friend.
You’re not sure what is happening to you, i know, all you know is you have to be thin, it is your utmost priority, pretty too, and no one should have anything on you to criticise.
You know what life would look like if you took off this straightjacket, this confinement you’re living under and it doesn’t bear thinking about.
Except it does, and one day you will, and I can’t describe to you the relief you will feel in that moment. The world on your shoulders, and then nothing, lightness, calm, hope, safety. You deserve it and you will get there.
So far in this letter I’ve been quite hard on you, as quite honestly, you were not the easiest person to be around, to love. But I loved you; I loved you best. That’s why I created these rules, this armour, this pain. It was protection, it was safety, it was home.
You know better than most, how to hide.
I am not as proficient in it as you were, but girls we learn how to lie and hide and fake things at an early age. It is not something to be proud of, nor regret. It simply is.
Anyway, as I was leading up to, let’s focus on your strength, your courage, your tenacity. No one does it like you thirteen year old Caitlin.
You took an ugly duckling and made her a swan and so what if you want applause? That makeover scene in all the films. You dreamt it, then you lived it, and i love you for it.
You’ll get your happy ever after, it won’t look like what you expect, but you’ll reach it. It’s not coming soon.
I wish I could tell you to eat more, care less. But you won’t, I can’t change the past, only our future
And I promise, I’m working on that.
Love always, future you x"
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