Heavy (Acoustic) - Peach PRC

I don’t know how to start this one.. Today I have resurrected my podcast The Baby Diaries, and this is my attempt to bring back my blog www.babyyourearichman.co.uk

I took some time out from both, predominantly because I didn’t know what content to make anymore. I was telling the same story over and over. Using different songs and quotes to describe it on my blog, it worked for a while but I soon ran out of ways to tell it.

I don’t know yet how this will transpire, and I hope obviously, it goes well

I will share some quotes that mean a lot to me today, especially as it’s international womens day

I mention in my latest podcast episode, in fact I talk a lot about it, dissociative identity disorder day, as well

Both days are relevant to my journey with mental illness

For anyone new to my blog i will quickly summarise.

I developed anorexia when I was young, twelve, and then without awareness of it a identity disorder. I essentially grew up as two identities, which I didn’t put much effort into separating I knew there was something wrong, there were warning signs, moments I woke up. But I’d ignore them

By the time I developed dissociative amnesia it was too late, the damage had been done

It was a decade long illness, that destroyed me, and I had to rebuild my whole identity from scratch

Along the way there were other mental illnesses just to add to the fun. Body dysmorphia, depression, anxiety, OCD and my most recent diagnosis is schizophrenia

It’s a lot However, it doesn’t feel like a lot these days.

I’m healthier, happier and medicated

I go to the gym regularly and make music, these keep me busy and fulfilled

I’m looking for work and hoping to publish my first fiction novel soon

It does get better, and is worth hanging on for

During my darkest days, I couldn’t see a better future. I had to concentrate so hard to try and picture one

But it’s there, even when you can’t see it yet.

“I am tired of myself tonight, I should like to be someone else” - Oscar Wilde

“After feeling disconnected for so long, my mind and body are finally coming home to each other” - Rupi kaur

“Courage, dear heart” - C.S Lewis

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise” - Les Miserables

“How we climb out of our griefs again and again and rise” - Lisel Mueller

Then the men we try to love say we carry too much loss, wear too much black, are too heavy to be around, much too sad to love. Then they leave, and we mourn them too. written by What we own from “Our Men Do Not Belong To Us” (via funcionoacafe) (via barriobruja)

Because you love so much; / because you never smile; because your heart / must always ache so much. written by César Vallejo, tr. by Clayton Eshleman, from “The Black Heralds,” (via weltenwellen)

“dying is an art, like everything else, I do it exceptionally well, I do it so it feels like hell”

• Sylvia Plath

“Boy says I’m a wildflower & I wilt before he’s even finished his sentence. Always something about a pretty thing, always that I’m a constellation or a caged animal- you know to admire, to look at. I name myself Bryony and climb the vine out the window when he’s not looking. There is no beauty in wanting to escape.”

• Ari Eastman

“I wonder if you know yet that you’ll leave me. That you are a child playing with matches and I have a paper body. You will meet a girl with a softer voice and stronger arms and she will not have violent secrets or an affection for red wine or eyes that never stay dry. I will show up at your door at 2 am wild eyed and sleepless trying to find some semblance of peace in your breastbone and you will not let me in. you will tell me to go home.”

• Clementine von Radics

‘And even if somebody has it worse that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad.”

• Stephen Chobsky

to love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you’ve held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weights you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think, How can a body withstand this? Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you I will love you, again.

- written by Ellen Bass (via thewisewordofquotes)

“The body changed over time, becoming a gallery of scars, a canvas of experience, a testament to life and one’s capacity to endure it”

• Janet Fitch, ‘Paint It Black’

“life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself”

• George Bernard Shaw

“There is so much stubborn hope in the human heart”

• Albert Camus, 'The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays’

It should be enough. To make something beautiful should be enough. It isn’t. It should be. written by Richard Siken from “Landscape with a Blur of Conquerors” (via theclassicsreader)

I want to look back and say that I was alive. That I didn’t turn my back. That I tried. That I was happy. written by Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited (via weltenwellen)(via sweetestsecrets)